What Comes After
by IzzGidget
Summary: When April was taken by the Krang, her loss was something they thought they'd never get over. Until they discovered her clone, in the form of a little girl named May. Donnie talks to April about their latest house guest, and how they're all healing. Future AU, Apritello(ish).


Notes: So what started out as a cute head canon where the boys raise a little April, quickly devolved into something much more heart breaking. Because why not twist that knife just a little deeper? (I am so sorry for what I've done, I made myself cry. I'm a dork. Sorry)

* * *

When she smiles, it's like you're here again. She's your genetic replica, I know, but it shows most when she smiles. Her nose even crinkles in that same way that yours did. You know I always did wonder what you looked like as a kid. But it goes deeper than just looks though, she even has your personality. She's every bit as stubborn, brave, temperamental, and kind as you ever were. Though there are times I could do without the stubbornness – bedtime for instance.

I can't believe how fast she's grown. At first I was afraid that the Krang had modified her development somehow, but no, kids just grow unbelievably fast. I feel like I'll blink and she'll be grown. She's such come a long way from that timid little thing we found caged in a Krang lab. Now she's bursting with energy, no longer afraid of her own shadow. She's constantly on the move, into everything, always asking 'why' – she even tires Mikey out.

The guys were weary of her at first. After all, we've dealt with clones before. But this time was different, like a ghost had walked back into our lives. However, she is you after all and it didn't take long before they came to adore her just like they adored you.

We've all taken a hand in raising her, bringing her the best parts of ourselves. Leo has been teaching her meditation. She has your powers too, but they seem to be more advanced than yours were. They give her headaches sometimes. The meditation helps, it gives her a sense of control. Raph has been the one to teach her how to fight, I'm not sure how that happened. You think he'd be the worst possible choice with his temper and all, but somehow he's developed this unending patience when it comes to her. Of course Mikey is her favorite playmate. You should see them running around together, they're thick as thieves. Every kid needs a friend, right?

Me? I've been teaching her how to read. It's incredible how fast she's caught on, she's even started reading me bedtime stories! Her current favorite is 'Where the Wild Things Are' by Maurice Syndak. She likes it, because Max doesn't live with humans either. And from time-to-time we might jump up and down on the bed and howl at the moon when we get to the monster parade. But she always gets sad when he has to leave the Wild Things and go back home.

She asked me once, "Will I have to leave you too?" I didn't know what to say.

I mean, what kind of family is four mutant turtles for a little girl?

I know what you would say, I can practically hear it now, "It was good enough for me." But you had your dad, your aunt, Casey and Irma, an actual life up on the surface. She doesn't even have Splinter's wisdom, she just has us. When we first got her out we took her to your dad. He knew what she was the instant he saw her. His eyes filled up with tears and he shook his head, he said he just couldn't do it. We understood.

But there is so much about your world we can't teach her, no matter how hard we try. Sure we have books and the internet, but those are hardly worthy teaches. They can't replace basic social interaction. Every day I see that look growing in her eyes, the same one we once had. She wants to go outside. And now I have the same fear that my own father had – what if someone finds out about her? What if the Krang find out about her?

I know one day she'll go and I won't want to let her, but I know I can't stop her. And I'll wonder: was it enough? Did we teach her everything we possibly could? Will she be ready to face the world on her own? And a darker fear whispers to me, will she want to come back? It won't be like it was for us, the world will look at her and accept her as one of their own. Once she's been out there, beyond the gates of the farmhouse, what's to bring her back to a life of isolation, but four old turtles?

I know all of this is a long way down the road, at least I hope it is. But I still worry. That's what parenting is. Ha, 'parenting'. There's a word I'd never thought I'd be using about myself.

She asked me if you were her mom. We keep your picture on the mantle, next to Splinter's family portrait. I told her 'yes', because the truth is still too complicated. I guess that's one similarity the Krang didn't plan on. You lost your mom to them, and in a way so did she.

God, I miss you so much, April. You always knew what to and what to say to make everything, not better, but clearer. Bringing what was important into focus and pushing back all the doubt and fear. You always had such faith in me.

I'm sorry that faith was misplaced. I'm sorry I wasn't there in time. I'm sorry that you were alone and scared and I hope you gave them Hell down to your last breath. And I hope you can forgive me, because I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

But when I look at her, I see a second chance. A chance to save you, to save myself. Every time she laughs, or gives me the sad puppy eyes, or asks for just one more bedtime story, I feel hope again. And I make sure to tell her, every single day, those three words I never got to tell you.

"I love you."

All those values Splinter tried to instill in us, were we able to pass them on to her?Even worse I fear once she goes out there, to that big open space full of possibility, will she want to come back? It won't be for her, what it was like for us. Dangerous, yes. But she'll also find acceptance. All this, I hope, is a long way down the road. But it feels like every time I blink she's grown another year.

She's seen your picture. We keep it above the fireplace, right next to Splinter's family portrait. She asked if you were her mom. I told her 'yes', because the truth is still too complicated. I guess that's one similarity the Krang didn't plan on. You lost your mom to them, and in a way so did she.

The regular world doesn't even know she exists. And I'm afraid if they did, the Krang would come for her. Just like they did you. So we keep her here, on the farm, far away from prying eyes. She's never even been to the grocery store, much less school, or other people.

There is so much about your world that I can't show her, or teach her. Sure, we can access the internet and pop in old movies, but those are hardly worthy teachers. Is she going to be able to survive out there?

I know one day she'll go, and I won't want to let her, but I know I can't stop her. And I'll wonder 'Did we do enough? Did we teach her all we could?' But my biggest fear – will she forget us? Once she steps into that big open space, with all the realm of possibility before her, will she even think of the four, old turtles hiding down below?

I know I'm being silly. I can practically hear you telling me so now. And maybe you are. Laying your hand on my arm and telling me it's okay, I'll think of something.

I wish you were here to see her. To teach her. The idea of puberty is horrifying, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. She's seen your picture. She asked if you were her mom. I told her 'yes', because the truth is still too complicated. I guess that's one similarity the Krang didn't plan. You lost your mom to them, and in a way so did she.

God she looks just like you, sometimes it hurts. But when I look at her, I see a second chance. A chance to save you, to save myself. When she giggles, gives me puppy eyes, asks for a bed time story, kisses me goodnight, I feel hope again. And every night, before she goes to sleep, I make sure to tell her those same words I never got to tell you.

"I love you".


End file.
